Not there yet.........

In the past 2 years, we have been told our son has Bipolar, Asperger's and was alcohol exposed in the womb. I am not there yet. Where, you may ask? I am not at the place yet where I can see this as a blessing. I am still angry from time to time. I am angry that these things could have been managed better if he had had better care before and after he was born. I am mad because on top of these challenges, he had a LOUSY upbringing and hates authority. I am mad because the world he came from contradicts everything I grew up with and value. I am mad that some days he wants to be like his birth father (who by the way is in and out of jail and in my words A PERV!!)and not like the father he has now.

I am mad because I am in a yahoo group of women who have little ones with some of the same challenges and are talking all the time about how they would never trade their child's illness for normalcy because the child has helped them grow. (WHAT THE HECK?) SERIOUSLY??? Cause I would in a New York minute. I would love for my child to be able to think and talk coherently. I would love for my child to have typical friends and do typical things. I would love to not to have to drive 3 hours round trip almost every week sometimes to his therapist or one of the FIVE doctors he sees! (and the 8 my other son sees!!) I would love to not have to explain every single freaking year to his teachers that "no he is not doing all this on purpose" that he really has a disability!!! I would love for him to be able to concentrate long enough in class to take down his homework and actually bring it home. REALLY....I would like all this to go away some days.

And today was one of those days....Drama Boy AKA Patrick from Sponge Bob, has been terrified of going to high school so much so that he has had about a meltdown a week and is talking CRAZY SH**T to try and get himself hospitalized so he doesn't have to go to HS. The boys and I signed up to learn Spanish this summer and he had a meltdown this morning AND going into the class, then talked incoherently the whole time and then whined and complained over a consequence I had give him earlier. I barely made it to work with half a mind today....I wanted to crawl in my bed and sleep all day but...can't do that! Have to work so we can pay all the doctor bills etc that he needs. I know for the big picture that ALL things work together for good but please....I need a break once in a while!

I'm just not there yet.....

It was a LONGGGGGG day and as I sat down just now to read email and such..I came across this email from Children of Destiny(www.childrenofdestiny.org) which is a prayer website for parents and friends of those who are on the Autism spectrum but could really be used for ANY challenge our children have. Look at what it says.....

I feel like I am back on track now.....I stopped and remembered WHO is in charge of my son and what God is doing on the INSIDE...that He IS doing something...

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"We are looking all the time not at the visible things but at the invisible. The visible things are transitory: it is the invisible things that are really permanent."
(2 Corinthians 4:18, PH)

Parent's Prayer:


Heavenly Father,
Today we pray that you would help us to embrace the truth of this verse. Lord, those things that are visible-our homes, our clothing, even the trails we face-are not the unseen things that will last into eternity, such as salvation, grace, peace, and joy. Father, help us to see those things that have eternal value and to have the wisdom to pursue that which will store up treasures for ourselves in heaven. Give us the perspective of eternity on the struggles we have today. We thank you that your plans and purposes for each of us are a valuable part of who we are meant to be on earth, and extend into who we will become in heaven, where there is no sickness, sadness, or tears. We thank you for the promises we have for today, and for the promises we have for eternity with you.
In Jesus' Name,
Amen